My Dad asked me why I am not dating anymore. It was odd for him to ask so bluntly but I know he listens in when mom and I talk. So I said mostly because of inconsistency. Mostly because they always end up being too busy. Mostly because I don’t throw myself at them. Mostly because they’re often entertaining a dozen other women. Mostly because I’m not overtly sexual because I need real connection and commitment before I want to give myself to a man and they have no patience for that when there’s women everywhere willing to give them immediate gratification. Mostly because no one lives in the real world anymore they live on social media and pretend to be someone they aren’t. Mostly because I don’t feel safe. And mostly because if I do meet someone worthwhile they live somewhere else, so logistics is an obstacle.
My Dad cut me off, he got annoyed instantly and he didn’t let me finish. He said, “men are hunters by nature. I don’t care what bullshit any generation spews at you about times being different. The heart knows that love is love. And a man in love stops at nothing, absolutely nothing. Sure a women can pursue a man if she wants to but if a man is serious about a woman she will never have to give chase. I don’t care what you read in those books of yours or on the internet or social media. If a man wants you, you will know, you won’t doubt, you won’t be able to deter them - even as guarded as you are - you won’t catch that man remotely entertaining the idea of another female because you will be his only focus. No matter where they are personally in their lives, whether they have their shit together or not. Distance does not matter. Where there’s a will there’s a way, whether he comes to you or brings you to him. He won’t want to spend another day without you by his side. Most men aren’t running away from a great woman, they’re running away from the parts of themselves they’re not ready to fix to deserve a great woman. So yes they will mess with these women that are easy or that make themselves easy to prey on or aren’t interested in anything serious or have no respect for themselves. But a real man in love is wildly consistent, he’s never too busy, he doesn’t have deep conversations or share intimate parts of himself with a woman that he doesn’t see himself being with, so if he has a lot of “female friends” believe me he’s interested in them to some varying degree and if he comments on selfies or photos or whatever the hell your generation is doing to get attention, and claims he’s being nice, understand he’s hoping that woman will notice him. If a man wants you he is going to do everything he can within his power for you to notice him, he will make plans with you no matter what his current situation is because a man that wants you won’t let another man have the opportunity to step in and nothing and no one, not even he himself can stand in the way of him wanting to be near you.
I watched you suffer and sacrifice for your kids your whole life while their fathers were jackasses and let you do all the work. I watched you stumble through life financially because they couldn’t man up enough to be the father my grandkids needed. I watched you break your soul to be an amazing mom, a single mom trying to balance everything in her life and still be a good person and woman. Any man that cannot see just how beautiful you are is a damn fool. I didn’t raise you to be this strong to turn around and keep settling. For years I watched quietly, enraged that you settled for these lesser men. Not all of them bad, but just less than you deserved. I watched atrocities unfold in your life, while your mother grabbed the gun from my hands only to remind me that I could lose you forever if I stepped in when you were always so adamant about standing on your own and not telling you what to do. And goddamnit if I didn’t have to hold your mother while she cried and we watched painfully on the sidelines where you wanted us to stay.
You deserve the world and you deserve a man that knows who he is and what the hell he wants and needs. I get it, you want magic and all the stars to align and all that other bulllshit. And it is magic, it does change everything. But you have to stop talking to these no good sons a bitches that just want to use you. Stop talking to these guys that talk too much and do nothing. Stop trying to fix these broken men that use you to make themselves better. A man interested in you will make sure you know he is interested and if he doesn’t, he is too weak for you. And a man that loves you wants you to be the best you can be, even at his own cost. Men show you who they are because they want you in their life, no matter what, no matter if they have kids, no matter their job, no matter where they live. Your mom and I both brought you and your brothers along on our 2nd date, our 2nd date! So if all these men have are excuses or they’re inconsistent or they’ve led you to believe you weren’t enough or you were too much, it’s because they’re not the right for you. And I don’t even know if there is a man out there that I will ever think is good enough for you, but your mom is a hopeless romantic and we both genuinely want to you to be happy. We want you to find peace and feel safe.
I hope you hear my voice in your head and listen to me for once in your life, because I need you to hear me, it is their loss, I am here to support you and love you but I’m not going to listen to the horseshit your generation says to romanticize every damn little thing that happens or doesn’t happen. There’s not a hidden message in everything most of the time things really are exactly as they are, stop overthinking everything.
Listen, You are not like everybody else. For as much as you have endured in your life your heart and ability to love is pure. And maybe some of your narrow mindedness about what you think you deserve is our fault, your mom and I didn’t interfere and at times didn’t even know what was happening because you chose to keep us in the dark, at times I am grateful or I would be in prison or dead, had I known. I still fight the urge to hunt them down and be the karma they deserve. Your mom and I raised you the best we could, five kids and You as our only daughter, as headstrong as you are and that’s saying a lot with how headstrong your mom and I are, it wasn’t easy. It was hard and you were always questioning everything and our authority and our reasoning but it was also fun and you always found a way to laugh. And we tried to raise you to treat everyone equally and respectfully, and if people didn’t show you the same respect you walk away, we raised you to pick your battles and to have humility and manners. Yeah we’re old school, but old school never goes out of style. We thought we raised you to listen to your own voice, to be independent, and to stand up for those that can’t stand up for themselves, and a lot of who you are - was already there.
My job was to guide you into adulthood with the knowledge and an understanding of your gifts. I failed at times, sometimes we failed a lot. And I regret some of the choices I made. But I also watched you become stronger than your brothers, in mind, heart and soul and that’s not saying I love them any less, but I watched you overcome challenges and situations normal people simply don’t live through and I’ll be damned if I am going to sit here and be quiet while I listen to your heart break and watch your mother cry, because we’re not going to listen to this shit anymore. At some point you have to fix your focus on yourself and understand that You deserve better and you deserve to be loved the way you need to be loved, you deserve a love as great as the love you give. My daughter, my only daughter does not settle, you need to learn to get out of your own way, now get that through your thick skull, quit crying and give me a hug me because I am going to go lay down, I need a nap.”
Goddamn I love my Dad.
