Someday

‘Someday’ is one of the most obscure words to me, it’s as noncommittal as a ‘maybe’ or an ‘almost’.

Yet, we place all this hope and faith in the idea of someday, when the reality is; someday isn’t promised. 

“There are seven days in a week, and someday isn’t one of them.”

Shadows

I am lucky to have 
shadows as my companions;
one thinks she is a demon,
the other thinks she is an angel.

Contradictions

We live in a world filled with contradictory messages, constantly telling us to fight for the people that we love or to never give up on them, until we get hurt by those people. And then we see messages to just fight for the people in your corner, don’t just fight for the people you love but for the people that love you. It’s a world full of all these mixed messages that contradict each other. “love without expecting to be loved”, “do things out of kindness, not out of the favor being returned”, but we are are emotional beings and that’s not how life works. Because the truth is we do want to be loved the same way that we love people and we do expect love and respect to be returned. The problem is we put all our focus on people that don’t always give what they get. It’s exhausting.

Some of our our biggest life lessons is learning that we are all different. We love people the way we want to be loved, we show people how to love us. And when they don’t show us the same love back, we think we should wait for them to figure it out or to learn. We blatantly ignore the truth because of what we want. But. Maybe what we want isn’t what we should have. We know how we need to be loved. But we need to learn to know when to walk away, when the love isn’t reciprocated, when it’s not what we need. And sometimes what we want contradicts what we need. 

Humans are funny like that. 

Value

You don’t love ME, you love the idea of me not the reality of me. 

I won’t lie to you. I won’t tell you what you want to hear. I won’t do what you want me to do just because you want it. 

I learned something, I learned how to start loving myself again. I realized how little I was being valued, but how much I’m worth. And until I feel safe, people can spew all the pretty words they want. I vibrate and flow on energy and I sense when someone genuinely wants the best for me. No one but me determines or dictates my worth. I don’t cut people off, I just put more distance between myself and the ones that fail to see how they’re loved. I need to love me enough to fight for the softness I still have left to give ;not just for others, but softness for myself. 

Shock

Shock struck when I heard your voice

I thought I had gotten past it 

It had been so many years

I was so removed from you

We were safe

You didn’t know where we were

You were locked away and 

We had built a bubble 

But in that terrifying moment

I knew this was the beginning 

Of another reign of terror

Flex

My favorite flex from people is when they say they want to be close to me, and then completely shut me out of their world. 

Empty

I felt the shift, the space that gave birth to a cataclysm.
The echo of crickets in the silence that surrounded the castle walls.
The way the chair next to me, was always empty. 
The shape of the fog that swept down and fell asleep at the tiniest glimpse into a hallway of stars and galaxies with universes still unexplored.
Dropped like the dull penny swimming to the shallows of a subaqueous wishing well.
Spinning so fast, the weight crushing fluid shoulders already too small to carry it all. 
Like the hollow taste of someone else’s words, when you can smell someone’s fear.
The staleness of the phrase “what if” was first penned with a quill and was maybe only meant to appear beautiful.

The way a heart goes skydiving without a parachute and we lose our mind.
What a ridiculous notion, the very idea of love stimulates the imagination like a blender.
We like to start fires just to watch things burn and then become mesmerized at the dance of the flames. 
So haunting the way the embers float, but only one will ever be crazy enough to jump into that lake of passion and burn with you. 
Straightened shoulders pulling strength from the rush of pain. 
Don’t give away your energy by having to chase energy.
All the energy was sucked out the air and the shift was felt. 

Lies do more than just leave stinging bite marks.
They bleed you dry. 

Grace

Oh,

To have grace

through grief, pain and silence.

The eerie silence that sweeps over  

when moving bodies to new graves, and responding to an outpouring of sorrow. 

The crispness of hushed whispers and the startling hollows of the shadows.

Stricken 

Wrought 

Shattered 

The crushing loss of a soul filling moments preserved now in mere memories.

Echoes of a voice thriving in an eternal space.

Mourn, 

weep for your beloved,

and hold fast to all grace.

Longing

The longing for your fingers tracing the corners of my mouth as you smudge your name playfully on the edges, my breath silenced by your kiss, my blood racing to the surface of my skin meeting your touch.