Sabotage. It's probably a gift for me. On a sub-conscious level, I will realize I'm doing well or happy and for whatever reason, I self-sabotage.
Hard questions, sometimes render difficult and impossible answers. I find it's very easy for me to love people. I fall in love so easily. I find all kinds of things to fall in love with about people. Even people I know I'll never meet. God forbid I actually meet one. And if or when someone wants to return that love to me, I don't know what to do - I feel like my soul and my heart flee immediately and I am simply unable to accept that love. I push people away, I piss them off and I am very, very good at it. Somehow in the process of learning about them, I've also learned their buttons. I am not proud of this, but it's become second nature. A coping mechanism, if you will. It's a very ugly thing when it rears its head or bubbles to the surface. And how awful for those that want to love me. And believe me I do mourn the loss of that love, I beat myself up and pray and wish that they won't cut me out of their life. Perhaps to give me a second chance. So far, no one has, no one probably ever will. Why would they want to open themselves up again for me to tear them down? I don't believe that anyone will ever want to break down this wall. And for as much as I'd like to break it down myself, I don't know how to do that, and allow people in and let them love me.
I could say, they'll never understand the things I've been through. How once I was able to be loved so easily and the people I trusted broke my heart again and again. And how I kept trying and my heart just stopped and I just couldn't do it anymore. I could say this started at a very early age. Maybe that means there's very little hope, maybe it means someone will know exactly how to help me. I don't know.
It's a bit unnerving when someone can diagnose you in the matter of a few minutes. I want so much to be loved, in fact, I believe it's the single biggest thing I want and need in my life, yet - I have no idea how to let someone love me. I'm so terrified of letting someone in, letting my guard down and my heart being broken again that - I potentially drive away people that might have given this so freely to me. I've turned them off to me, I've hurt them and I don't know how to fix it. What's worse - I'll never seek treatment. I don't have healthcare, let alone mental healthcare. And while those are excuses, I will continue to cling to them. I'm trying desperately to understand the things I don't like about myself and to love them and accept them.
This isn't small. This is epic! I know recognizing when I do this is crucial to my healing and also to my not hurting the people that love and care for me. The problem is, once I've done it - and it doesn't matter how awesome or wonderful I am or was or might be beyond that moment - I've just lost someone dear to me that I really care about. And sadly all I can do is offer my apologies and hope they will still love me and that I will allow them to love me.
I guess the bigger question is, why am I so reluctant to let someone love me.
Hard questions, sometimes render difficult and impossible answers. I find it's very easy for me to love people. I fall in love so easily. I find all kinds of things to fall in love with about people. Even people I know I'll never meet. God forbid I actually meet one. And if or when someone wants to return that love to me, I don't know what to do - I feel like my soul and my heart flee immediately and I am simply unable to accept that love. I push people away, I piss them off and I am very, very good at it. Somehow in the process of learning about them, I've also learned their buttons. I am not proud of this, but it's become second nature. A coping mechanism, if you will. It's a very ugly thing when it rears its head or bubbles to the surface. And how awful for those that want to love me. And believe me I do mourn the loss of that love, I beat myself up and pray and wish that they won't cut me out of their life. Perhaps to give me a second chance. So far, no one has, no one probably ever will. Why would they want to open themselves up again for me to tear them down? I don't believe that anyone will ever want to break down this wall. And for as much as I'd like to break it down myself, I don't know how to do that, and allow people in and let them love me.
I could say, they'll never understand the things I've been through. How once I was able to be loved so easily and the people I trusted broke my heart again and again. And how I kept trying and my heart just stopped and I just couldn't do it anymore. I could say this started at a very early age. Maybe that means there's very little hope, maybe it means someone will know exactly how to help me. I don't know.
It's a bit unnerving when someone can diagnose you in the matter of a few minutes. I want so much to be loved, in fact, I believe it's the single biggest thing I want and need in my life, yet - I have no idea how to let someone love me. I'm so terrified of letting someone in, letting my guard down and my heart being broken again that - I potentially drive away people that might have given this so freely to me. I've turned them off to me, I've hurt them and I don't know how to fix it. What's worse - I'll never seek treatment. I don't have healthcare, let alone mental healthcare. And while those are excuses, I will continue to cling to them. I'm trying desperately to understand the things I don't like about myself and to love them and accept them.
This isn't small. This is epic! I know recognizing when I do this is crucial to my healing and also to my not hurting the people that love and care for me. The problem is, once I've done it - and it doesn't matter how awesome or wonderful I am or was or might be beyond that moment - I've just lost someone dear to me that I really care about. And sadly all I can do is offer my apologies and hope they will still love me and that I will allow them to love me.
I guess the bigger question is, why am I so reluctant to let someone love me.
