I had drawn a map to my hidden castle. And cleared the overgrown path to the majestically carved wooden doors. I had even lowered the bridge over the moat and as the massive gates swung open, I handed over the heavy key to my broken and tattered soul. I astonished myself, as I carefully and methodically disarmed the guards and stood there alone and naked. There would be no battle today. I did not bring my sword. I had removed all my armor. I had laid my shield on the ground and gently placed my helmet next to it. I had no place left to hide.
Warm tears streamed down my face, making a mess of my make-up. I had never felt more naked, in all of my life.
I had stood and trembled naked before, naked without clothes and with nothing for me to hide behind. There were many times I had wanted to be seen. There were many times I had felt beautiful and sexy and caught up in the notion of something amorous. There were times I knew I was adored and my body would be worshipped and every inch of it loved. I had wanted to be seen and many times I had longed to be touched. And then, there were times I was terrified of the gaze that would fall on my body. Uncertain of whether or not my body would be found beautiful. There were plenty of times I, as a woman, had been unsure of myself, overthinking every possible flaw on my body, flaws I had memorized and could see even with my eyes closed. I had prayed they would go unnoticed, that my drop in confidence would be invisible, that hungry eyes had been too busy to notice how my own eyes shifted searching for approval, so I could breathe and lose myself under a spell of lust and love.
I had never been this naked. Not like this. This was my soul, not my body. This wasn't familiar to me. I wanted to cower in fear and hide behind walls that had been so meticulously built. I didn't want to feel this vulnerable. Being vulnerable meant being weak, and I never saw myself as fragile.
I had had three children and had not always been as vigilant as I should have, in caring for myself, or for the lovely temple that housed my soul. I was as beautiful and as flawed as the next mother. The scars that adorned my body were trophies, my body had nourished three children into this world. My body had been a vessel for all kinds of love and abuse over the years. I had survived abuse as a small child and abusive relationships and even survived cancer, twice. I was a pillar of strength.
I had only ever allowed fleeting glimpses and mere moments for people to see over those walls. I had written off allowing anyone inside. The only ones welcome.. were my children, they resided there. I would allow the occasional visitor, but outside of my children, no one could be trusted. I wasn't going to let people in anymore, I was exhausted from all the battles I was forced to fight, and I didn't know if I would recover and if did, how would I draw upon more strength.
As I stood there naked and terrified, I had never felt more alive, than I did at that moment. I had had an epiphany. I knew that if I was to bring my dreams to the outside world and bring them to fruition I would have to leave my castle. I would have to venture beyond the sanctity of those walls. If I wanted to build my kingdom, I would need a King. I would need the bravest of warriors, I would need trusted advisors and I would need to allow people that I loved to be able to flourish in my kingdom. These would be my people, my village - people that believed in me and stood by me and loved me. If I wanted my fairytale to be real, I was going to have to breathe life into it.
I had to stop beating myself up. I had to force myself to trust people and to let people in or my world was going to implode. I couldn't keep expecting that everyone that fucked up, had malice intent or was there to feed me to the wolves. I had to let my guard down, so that I could let people back in. I had lost too many. I knew I was still going to lose so many more. But for the first time, in a long time I wasn't going to stand in my own way.
I have never felt more naked in all my life. I have never felt more fragile. I have also never felt more alive or more excited and even without my sword or my walls - I have never felt this brave.
"You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness." -Jonathan Safran Foer
Warm tears streamed down my face, making a mess of my make-up. I had never felt more naked, in all of my life.
I had stood and trembled naked before, naked without clothes and with nothing for me to hide behind. There were many times I had wanted to be seen. There were many times I had felt beautiful and sexy and caught up in the notion of something amorous. There were times I knew I was adored and my body would be worshipped and every inch of it loved. I had wanted to be seen and many times I had longed to be touched. And then, there were times I was terrified of the gaze that would fall on my body. Uncertain of whether or not my body would be found beautiful. There were plenty of times I, as a woman, had been unsure of myself, overthinking every possible flaw on my body, flaws I had memorized and could see even with my eyes closed. I had prayed they would go unnoticed, that my drop in confidence would be invisible, that hungry eyes had been too busy to notice how my own eyes shifted searching for approval, so I could breathe and lose myself under a spell of lust and love.
I had never been this naked. Not like this. This was my soul, not my body. This wasn't familiar to me. I wanted to cower in fear and hide behind walls that had been so meticulously built. I didn't want to feel this vulnerable. Being vulnerable meant being weak, and I never saw myself as fragile.
I had had three children and had not always been as vigilant as I should have, in caring for myself, or for the lovely temple that housed my soul. I was as beautiful and as flawed as the next mother. The scars that adorned my body were trophies, my body had nourished three children into this world. My body had been a vessel for all kinds of love and abuse over the years. I had survived abuse as a small child and abusive relationships and even survived cancer, twice. I was a pillar of strength.
I had only ever allowed fleeting glimpses and mere moments for people to see over those walls. I had written off allowing anyone inside. The only ones welcome.. were my children, they resided there. I would allow the occasional visitor, but outside of my children, no one could be trusted. I wasn't going to let people in anymore, I was exhausted from all the battles I was forced to fight, and I didn't know if I would recover and if did, how would I draw upon more strength.
As I stood there naked and terrified, I had never felt more alive, than I did at that moment. I had had an epiphany. I knew that if I was to bring my dreams to the outside world and bring them to fruition I would have to leave my castle. I would have to venture beyond the sanctity of those walls. If I wanted to build my kingdom, I would need a King. I would need the bravest of warriors, I would need trusted advisors and I would need to allow people that I loved to be able to flourish in my kingdom. These would be my people, my village - people that believed in me and stood by me and loved me. If I wanted my fairytale to be real, I was going to have to breathe life into it.
I had to stop beating myself up. I had to force myself to trust people and to let people in or my world was going to implode. I couldn't keep expecting that everyone that fucked up, had malice intent or was there to feed me to the wolves. I had to let my guard down, so that I could let people back in. I had lost too many. I knew I was still going to lose so many more. But for the first time, in a long time I wasn't going to stand in my own way.
I have never felt more naked in all my life. I have never felt more fragile. I have also never felt more alive or more excited and even without my sword or my walls - I have never felt this brave.
"You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness." -Jonathan Safran Foer
