How is it one person can have so many friends, but not one person to truly talk to? So many things to talk about, but no one to really tell? Why is it that everyone is always saying, 'I'll be there'. But when you pull the friend card, they just aren't there. For as much as you may have been a friend, the majority of people do not understand what friendship means. While it's true that some friendships last a lifetime, others become stagnant and/or you drift away. I guess people (for lack of political correctness) have served their purpose. You can choose to always be who you are to those people no matter how they may choose to treat you - a road less traveled and a far more painful one(personal knowledge). We all lead busy lives, it's difficult to get everything done in a day.
In the gift of life people are always changing. Some are ambitious, some are materialistic, some are just shallow. Some develop themselves for the better and rise up to challenge life. I've known many from both sides and many that mingle in the middle and many that are clueless.
I can only speak for myself. I'm not ambitious - money doesn't wet my palate. Sure, I'd like to have enough to pay the bills, but the majority of people who have it or want it are greedy, and it will never be enough. They will always want more. This brings us to the materialistic and shallow people. Not pretty. In fact, hypocrisy and fake people are the ugliest people to me. I can't stand pretty fake people. Beauty is all around us - not in things, but more importantly it is within us. It is the glow from within that makes the beauty on the outside shine so bright.
Tonight I needed a friend. I find those are quite rare these days, I maybe could've called upon an old friend or two, but no one ever answers their phones. Everyone seems to think the only way to communicate is through social networking. (FB -people are fucking addicts, even I find myself drawn in at times) People have lost the ability to use human connection. I did call upon someone, this person has needed me quite a bit in the last several months. In fact, I dare say I've been far more than a pillar to lean on.
It's difficult, when you realize just how busy everyone you know, has become, just how self-involved everyone seems to be - that no one seems to care about anything except their own little lives. Now YOU need a shoulder to cry on. YOU. Ever the optimist. Ever the cheerleader. Ever the one to help everyone else see through rose colored glasses that everything will be okay. Well I - I'm exhausted. And too much is going on in my head to just let it all go. I keep trying to divide myself up for everyone else, and find no time for myself. My health is failing, epic-ally. I'm working two jobs trying to juggle too much and I just need a moment to breathe to myself. Anyway. I needed a friend tonight, and it was a pretty lonely night. So instead, I fought with the person who decided to make it about them, then tried to put me down, for needing them and subsequently tried to make me feel worse because of the inconvenience I imposed upon them.
This is what I get for attempting to lean on anyone but myself. Lesson learned. Again! And then people wonder why I'm so fiercely independent. Because this is what happens when you keep cutting people out of your life that add no value or use you. Some people never change. Some people will always use you. Some people no matter how much you love them will never change their spots - never. Some people don't even realize they suck the life right out of you and some people make a living out of sucking the life right out of you. They almost get off on doing it. They put you down to lift themselves up. And then there's just people who disappoint you.
But I know better. Because I know....I choose who I am and determine what I'm worth, no one else does.
