Haunted

I've been discarded? The pain so crushing. I'm staving off tears and haunted by memories. And you're like ice? You went from being the sun, (brilliant and bright, alive with fire) to settling for the coldness of our distant planet Pluto. I'm falling down and you can't nor do you want to see me. You've inflicted a great deal of damage, the pain, the tears, the confusion, the despair. A year and a half of rebuilding myself from a previously abusive and painful relationship, only to fall victim to the idea that you loved me. I knew exactly who I was and where I stood in my life and what I wanted when you met me. And now... well, are you happy? Was it everything you'd hoped for? Does it remotely tear you down, just a little? I call upon logic now...

I'm likely a world away from your true feelings, because evidently what I thought were your true feelings, was nothing but a mere addiction!! I loathe the idea of bitterness and rancor. It's not fashionable on me and yet I can neither push it down nor evict the idea from my mind. (my anger is deafening) I feel displaced and weak, and I AM NOT weak.

As I begin my journey through the phase of self inflicted pain and anger, I relive our last words, our final conversations. My heart is self defeating and not quite as sinister or morose as I'd wish fate would have it. Still I wish it would turn black as night so I'd stop playing a fool. Instead, I trample my own tongue and wish you love and happiness. I'm hating myself for it. NO - it's true. What was the pivotal moment in my life that I becaome that girl that clings to the idea of love, romance and chivalry? How can I stop breathing this distorted convoluted psychologically damaging grande delusion that someone will actually love me as I am? As if to say it's something tangible...just because I've witnessed TRUE LOVE. I deceive myself that there is an unshakable loyalty and unwavering love out there for me. Ah yes - how twisted I am! But it wasn't this idea I was in love with - no, it was you. I was in love with you. A simple man that sees me as an addiction.

I beat myself up for being so ridiculously honest at time. For being myself. For actually thinking you really just might have been crazy about ME. An addiction! A fucking addiction!!!! Addiction is a dependency, a craving, a physiological state. So why then tell me you love me? Or oh, wait wait - you just figured it out therefore the resolute stone. Does that mean all those conversations and everything you did and all the laughter and tears (what compelling moments were these that you shed all those tears declaring your love for me? For oh how I loved you for everything you are/were? Oh how I was one of the few that actually 'got' you?) Can you even grasp how devastating it was to learn I was just an addiction? What exactly were you addicted to? Talk about quitting cold turkey!

For now - I turn to music...Tool & NIN or Perfect Circle resonate in my head. I try to listen to 'the Dove' but it rips my heart to shreds. Hot tears continue to relentlessly stream down my face. It's punishing, but I force it on myself. Metal, rock n roll or some alternative...lends itself to feeding my strength. A darker side to embrace, so I don't plummet to my emotional death.

Unrelenting Pain

When does this unrelenting pain go away? How can it be so easy for someone to just walk away? After saying they love you so much??

It just doesn't seem real now. But, it didn't seem real then, either. Maybe it was all just a lie. (That's the voice of agonizing pain). I want so much to be angry, that I search and search for some horrible memory to distance myself from the love I feel. No matter how much I push or pull I keep finding myself reliving these incredible moments. I just want to turn them off.

This isn't like walking away from an abusive relationship. A relationship where there was fighting or a great divide in thought or compatibility. This is one of the hardest things I've had to face on my own. And I'm struggling to let go. While it was so fucking easy for him.

They say if you really love someone, let them go and if they truly love you they will come back. But we all know some twisted broken heart thought that shit up in an effort to soothe the pain. My head tells me his pride and family would never let him, anyway - so what difference does it make? My eternal optimism feels snuffed out. I can't watch a romantic comedy or the like without shutting it off and calling bullshit. I feel robbed. I feel detached and worst of all I feel alone.

For all that I have been through in my life, I've never felt alone. Not talking to him or seeing him or knowing he will never come for me, has created the greatest despair. He's made me look so foolish and ridiculous believing love was something that I could actually have in my life. He made me believe it and then he snatched it away from me.

It just fucking hurts so much. I want outside of my head and I want to stop this physical ache I feel inside, in my heart. I can smell him when I think of him. I can see his face and his smile. I can hear his laugh and scratchy voice. I can feel his gentle touch and warm embrace. It's all so overwhelming and it's slowly killing me.

I don't care that I sound like a sap. I want to shut out my memories and stop all this stupid crying. I want to find a reason to regret everything. To write him off and out of my life not worthy of my tears or for the place in my heart that still holds onto him. But I can't. I just can't.