Universe

It will all be okay, it will. 

I don’t know how, but I do know it will be okay.

It may not be what we all think it should be, but it will be okay. 

The universe holds all our fates in the stars. Trust the universe. 

My mind knows best, how to punish me.

I will most likely also be stubborn in death. 

Not his baby

My toxic trait is I can get disrespectful if some random guy I don’t know tries to call me by any kind of affectionate name other than my actual name. 

The only man allowed to call me those kind of intimate names is the exclusive man in my life. I also need to know he’s not doling out those same names to every other female. 

On the other side of that, I’m southern, so I use terms of endearment like: sweetheart, sugar, cupcake, darling, love. 

Here’s the thing, if there was a guy in my life and he was uncomfortable with my southern manners, I would full on stop. Period. 

Getting called baby by some random dude means I will be educating said dude that I am in fact - Not his baby. 

That phase of healing where you have to look at the part you play in your own suffering, feels a lot like masochism. Oof! 

Last Days of Summer

Ahead in the distance I can see the rain. The sun is bright and illuminating the shadows of pouring rain. The water birds fight each other, but it’s peaceful other than that. I’m at my favorite Veteran’s Memorial Park having conversations with the sky praying for rain. 

This is the last day of summer. I got to see a perfect sunset at Indian Rocks Beach last night. And today I got to go hang out with my best friend and swim, we chilled out by the pool (mostly I did, since she was on mom duty). We floated on rafts a bit with drinks in hand and talked and giggled about life, then danced like idiots to her playlist, like it was water aerobics. 

There was a glorious sun shower while I was bathing in the sun and swimming like a mermaid. And I was fully present for the moment. 

Now. I’m walking barefoot; toes in the grass as dragonflies and bees wisp around me. I need to soak it all in. I won’t get to do this again soon enough.

Safe space

Honestly who wants to be loved in little increments and tiny pieces, those are just crumbs. I want to be loved wholly and consistently. 

Enough of these games already, especially the ones we hypocritically say we don’t play into. Either we are going to break down our own walls for each other in a safe space between us or just fucking forget it. I will not invest in someone who isn’t willing to invest in me. 

We all would like to feel loved and for the most part I believe we all know what each of us individually needs… to know we are loved. I cannot speak for anyone else. But I know what I need and what I want. They don’t always coexist on the same realm of reality. So trust me when I say I know the difference. 

I know what I need.